Author Archives: Grant

Tail of the Sun = Best Game EVER

[Editor’s note: In honor of Tail of the Sun being the first game to EVER have a successful write-in campaign on our games poll, and thus ending up on UPickVG 5’s Available Games List, we decided to let our guard down and allow Grant to write another one of his “game reviews,” this one about Tail of the Sun. Please tell us we’re not about to regret this decision.]

As a caveperson in an early sandbox game, you’ll spend most of your days exploring and accomplishing absolutely nothing.  You might find some weird statues that make you contemplate life, or climb a mountain by running straight up a slope that’s at a 90 degree angle, or hunt some deer or a pack of glowing green sabertooth tigers.  Maybe you spend your days eating Japanese cookies scattered all over the ground (no really) so that you can tweak your stats to give you and your offspring some gloriously powerful genitals.

Awww yeah. Who needs brains when my propagate is so pink?

Awww yeah. Who needs brains when my propagate is so pink?

Then, hopefully you get a chance to bring some meat back to your tribe so that they can survive and breed some increasingly weird, scary people.  I don’t want to spoil all the fun, but we’ve seen everything from guys with stained glass faces, to a hideous spiderface woman.


Almost punched it, but slid off because… deer are slippery?

Did I mention the narcolepsy?  Your cavecreature needs sleep, but there isn’t any visual cue or stat that you can watch in order to know when they’ll get tired.  They just suddenly fall down and sleep whenever they feel like they need it.  Even MID JUMP DURING A FIGHT WITH A MAMMOTH.


Oh. Well. It IS dark outside. I guess this little guy is done for the day.

TLDR: this is the best game ever.


Ow. Derp.

[Editor’s note: Well, that happened. And you can donate to see Tail of the Sun in UPickVG 5, June 3rd-5th, and also to bring clean water to people who need it in the developing world.]

Hyrule Beyblade Go Go Fight Yes

This is a good game.  A good, serious, quality, fun game.  No need to make jokes here.

Link rides a... beyblade!?! In Hyrule Warriors

Uhhhhhmmmm, he is definitely riding a beyblade.

This game takes itself very seriously, with plenty of realistic weapons.

Link fights with an 8-bit sword in Hyrule Warriors

What is that? A Minecraft sword?

The highly detailed costumes are constantly impressive.

Link wears his super fashionable postman outfit in Hyrule Warriors

Wait. Why is this happening? What is this?

And uh, there’s co-op, so we can yell at each other for your amusement.

[Editors Note: And you can donate now for Hyrule Warriors to see any of this (all of this?) during our upcoming 48-hour-straight marathon on June 12th!]

Jackie Chan Seems Like A Pretty Good Grandson

I love Jackie Chan.  Remember that time when he was in The Legend of Drunken Master?

Slimy Jackie Chan in Drunken Master

Srs slimy muscle Chan is my hero

Or when he got to hang out with Chris Tucker?

Jackie Chan with Chris Tucker in Rush Hour

This is probably not as funny as I remember it being…

Well, he was also in this PS1 game.

Jackie Chan Stuntmaster for PS One

I guess he’s jump kicking while holding a pool cue, but I always saw this as spiderman swinging towards me. Jackie Chan: Spidermanmaster

Screenshot from Jackie Chan: Stuntmaster on PS One

Kickin dudes in the crotch. Because justice and grandfathers and whatever.










Someone kidnaps his grandpa so Jackie goes on an adventure to save him which mostly entails collecting masks, because who doesn’t love awkward platforming and item collection (kill me).  Luckily this is a world where 99% of the population are gang members who want to fight you.  You won’t be completely bored chasing masks you never wanted because you’ll be hitting thugs with fish and car mufflers.

It isn’t good.  It isn’t fun.  It IS going to get played for charity.

Steel Battalion, AKA, Never Enough Hands

[Editor’s Note: While the rest of us were busy doing important preparing-for-the-charity-marathon-that’s-only-two-weeks-away things, Grant snuck in here and wrote another one of his “reviews.” Once again, we’re terribly sorry, and would like to apologize in advance.]



Steel Battalion has 40 buttons, two giant flight sticks, and three foot pedals.  I have enough mental capacity to handle a controller with about 20 buttons.  Rigorous scientific testing and some 2nd grade math skillz tell me that I need at least two humans in order to play Steel Battalion.  (I also need one highly qualified spelly checky device for the word Battalion.  Batallion.  Battallium.  Bertollyn.  Bat Talon.)  Anyway- two people.  Maybe three.

steel cockpit

Confused about what you’re looking at? So am I.

But two random humans aren’t drift compatible.  Things are great while we practice walking forward.  We high five while we successfully make a left turn and shoot a little tank.  Then a big mech runs our way and all hell breaks loose- I’m scared, you’re angry, you yell something at me but I don’t hear you because I’m trying to remember where the reload button is so you reach across me to push WHATEVER THANKS NOW I CANT SEE but I guess all that beeping means we got shot or something and there’s dirt on the windshield so someone find the windshield washer button please and now someone else got off the couch because being a noisy backseat mech driver wasn’t enough was it?  YOU NEED TO PUSH BUTTONS TOO?  GREAT and now I have no idea whats happening and I think I dropped the whole tank of ammo when I meant to reload earlier and yeahhhhhh I know I just jumped instead of hitting the breaks but there are lots of pedals down at my feet and OH FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THE COCKPIT IS ON FIRE SOMEONE PLEASE HIT THE EJECT BUTTON NOW

5/5  Would donate for again.

[Editor’s other note: Yeah… sorry. But at least you can donate to see Grant or another team member try to play an hour of this glorious disaster… if that’s any consolation.]

Butt Heroes. Dual Butts? Butts. [Grant Reviews the N64 Game “Dual Heroes”]

[Editor’s Note: Grant wanted to write a review of an N64 game, “Dual Heroes,” and we let him. We apologize profusely for the following “review.”]

We played Dual Heroes.  I don’t think I learned anything about this terrible game.  Let’s have a butt contest instead:


Dat butt


It’s watching you.