Steel Battalion, AKA, Never Enough Hands

By | May 29, 2015

[Editor’s Note: While the rest of us were busy doing important preparing-for-the-charity-marathon-that’s-only-two-weeks-away things, Grant snuck in here and wrote another one of his “reviews.” Once again, we’re terribly sorry, and would like to apologize in advance.]



Steel Battalion has 40 buttons, two giant flight sticks, and three foot pedals.  I have enough mental capacity to handle a controller with about 20 buttons.  Rigorous scientific testing and some 2nd grade math skillz tell me that I need at least two humans in order to play Steel Battalion.  (I also need one highly qualified spelly checky device for the word Battalion.  Batallion.  Battallium.  Bertollyn.  Bat Talon.)  Anyway- two people.  Maybe three.

steel cockpit

Confused about what you’re looking at? So am I.

But two random humans aren’t drift compatible.  Things are great while we practice walking forward.  We high five while we successfully make a left turn and shoot a little tank.  Then a big mech runs our way and all hell breaks loose- I’m scared, you’re angry, you yell something at me but I don’t hear you because I’m trying to remember where the reload button is so you reach across me to push WHATEVER THANKS NOW I CANT SEE but I guess all that beeping means we got shot or something and there’s dirt on the windshield so someone find the windshield washer button please and now someone else got off the couch because being a noisy backseat mech driver wasn’t enough was it?  YOU NEED TO PUSH BUTTONS TOO?  GREAT and now I have no idea whats happening and I think I dropped the whole tank of ammo when I meant to reload earlier and yeahhhhhh I know I just jumped instead of hitting the breaks but there are lots of pedals down at my feet and OH FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THE COCKPIT IS ON FIRE SOMEONE PLEASE HIT THE EJECT BUTTON NOW

5/5  Would donate for again.

[Editor’s other note: Yeah… sorry. But at least you can donate to see Grant or another team member try to play an hour of this glorious disaster… if that’s any consolation.]

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